The magical tale of douchebag
by KingDouchebag
Summary: In this story, Douchebag from Southpar Stick of Truth is back to experience more drama. Stay tuned for more Douchebag stories. (sorry it says Southland it was the closest thing to South Park)


Before you read this and say it sucks or is really random, most of this is sort of an inside joke with some friends of mine. Enjoy :)

It had been a chilly Saturday. Douchebag had been in South Park for 5 years now, after he arrived in the summer of the Stick of Truth roleplaying game. He had longish brown hair and usually wore hoodies and jeans. Douchebag decided to stay inside and play on his laptop all day. After a while he got bored. He went over to his computer and checked his email. He groaned. Nothing. He refreshed it. Nothing. He refreshed again. Nothing. He went back to his bed and just stared at the ceiling. He heard a ding right as he was about to fall asleep. He ran to the computer and refreshed it. A message from Jimmy! He opened it to see this:

Jimmy Valmer

4:32 PM (5 seconds ago)

to me, Wendy, Clyde, Bebe, Mr. Hankey and tons more

Hey everyone! 

Today I am going to be having a party at my house at 7:00 P.M. to 12: A.M.. No alcohol or sexual activity like last time when Bebe and Clyde fucked. Hope to see everyone there!

Douchebag could still remember Bebe and Clyde. He shuddered at the thought. He imagined that when he was there a girl would ask him out. Then he laughed at how idiotic he is to think that. Nobody would want to date him if he never talks. He's not even that good looking anyways. He went into his drawer and got a plaid shirt and some jeans.

He had to wait for another 30 minutes. He imagined how lame the party would be if Jimmy was holding it. His mom was pretty strict when it came to parties. Douchebag just sat there, looking off into space, imagining how someone would just walk up to him and ask him to dance... He noticed he had been dreaming for 30 minutes already.

He walked downstairs and walked towards the door, when his Mom said "Honey, where are you going?". Douchebag just stared at her intensly. She grew a scared look and went back to reading her book.

Douchebag started to walk to Jimmy's house. When he finally arrived, it looked like that one horrible halloween house where all the teenagers TP it for it's horrible decorations and candy every year. He went in to find soda all over the floor, Butters running around screaming with a ninja star in his eye again, Cartman asleep on the couch with cracker crubs all over him (as usual), a closed door with some sex noises coming from it, Wendy and Stan making out, and Jimmy staring in horror at everything. Douchebag went over to Jimmy.

"I-I thought this was gonna be a fun part- but then Bebe-" Jimmy stopped in mid sentence and knew what he meant. Suddenly Jimmy screamed and dove out of the way. Douchebag looked up to see a chandelier- heading right towards him.

He dove out of the way. It was Mr. Hankey, sitting there in the shards of glass. He looked up and said:

"Oh hey Douchebag! You've missed alot." He got up and went up to Cartman. Cartman woke up and said:

"Oh hey Mr. Hankey. That was a lot of fun..." he just suddenly fell asleep again. Stan looked up at his watch and said: "Oh shit I gotta go!". He sttod up and said bye to Wendy and ran off. Wendy sighed.

"He always does that..." she looked up to see Douchebag and greeted him. Suddenly the sex noises stopped and they saw Bebe step out and say:

"That felt good!". Clyde came out with a small grin on face but then groaned: "Owwwiiiieeee..." and walked to the couch and sat with Cartman. Douchebag

noticed the party came to a halt since nothing was happening. He looked up and saw some beer on the counter.

"B-but Douche-" Jimmy tried to say. Too late. Douchebag was already drinking out of the bottle alone. Douchebag walked to Wendy and offered some.

"No thanks-" but Douchebag was already stuffing it down her throat. She looked up and said:

"That's actually pretty good...". She got up and went to get some.

"W-wendy, I don't think you should be drinking..." Wendy shrugged and drank. Clyde got up and said: "Let's get this party started!" and started to smoke weed. Bebe looked up and shrugged it away. "I'm fine..." Clyde said: "Suit yourself." and started smoking a lot of it. After about 10 minutes, he got up and started walking around saying things like "I can hear colors" or "The walls are calling for me... I must go...". Bebe said that he must be just overreacting.

Douchebag looked at Clyde in disgust and grabbed Wendy. He pulled her away from everyone else. Douchebag said: "I... I think I kinda like you Wendy... I know you're with Stan... but... I just wanted you to know." Wendy widened her eyes in surprise that Douchebag actually talked. She said "That's sweet. I like you too. Maybe if me and Stan don't work out, I can come looking for you. But you have a really nice voice, why hide it?". Douchebag shrugged and went back near other people. Douchebag went to the beer and drank more with Wendy. Doucheag couldn't really recall how, but somehow he and Wendy had gotten into Jimmy's bedroom, having a chugging contest. They drank and drank, and Douchebag looked at Wendy and blushed. Wendy blushed back and went over to Douchebag. Then she leaned in and started to kiss him. Douchebag enjoyed the feeling of SOMEONE loving him. Wendy suddenly started taking off her clothes, but Douchebag had remembered her and Stan. "Wendy, I do really like you... but wouldn't Stan be upset if he found out we did this?". Wendy said Stan had cheated on her before with Red at a party. Douchebag said "I don't think this is right to do, Wendy..." Wendy looked up and said "I see." She put back the clothes she had taken off back on and started to walk out the door. "Wendy! Wait!" she turned around and yelled "YOU DON'T LIKE ME ENOUGH AND YOU'RE TRYING TO GET OUT OF IT, ARENT YOU?! YOU HAVE A CHOICE HERE, ME OR STAN'S FRIENDSHIP!" and she turned around and slammed the door.

When she got out there, she saw Stan sitting there, his jaw to the floor. "Y-you cheated on me?" She said "It's not what it seems! I was drunk! Stan please! I'm so sorry!" Stan started to storm off when she yelled "You cheated on me with Red!" He turned around and yelled "SHE RAPED ME! WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?!" He stormed out the door and disappeared into the night. Douchebag followed Wendy who followed Stan. When Douchebag finally came to a halt, he saw Wendy running and screaming "NOOOO!" He suddenly saw Stan fall from the roof of the school with a rope around his neck, choking him. Douchebag pulled out a pocket knife and started sawing at the rope. When the knife finally cut through, Stan's motionless body hit the floor. Douchebag watched in terror as Wendy started crying her heart out. Douchebag couldn't see or feel anything. He felt like the only man alive. It felt like he had no control of his body. He just started climbing the stairs to the top of the school building, up to the edge... He fell. He fell and fell and he could hear Wendy screaming: "NOOOOOOOO!" And Douchebag woke up. He was in a pool of sweat. Most of it was real, except for the Wendy part. Wendy hadn't showed up to the party that day. He felt relieved. He went to class. Before class started, Cartman had walked up to the front of the class and said:

"Guys... I think I'm pregnant." The whole class gasped. "I mean, look at how fat I suddenly got." Craig raised his hand and said: "If you're having a baby... where will it come out of...?" The whole class screamed Ew. Cartman screamed: "It's gonna come out of my asshole, dumbasses!". "B-b-but that's not how babies work.." Jimmy started. "NO SHUT UP YOU GUYS ARE ALL WRONG AND PERVERTED!" He went back and sat down at his desk.

About 9 months later, Cartman was rushed into a hospital. Mr Hankey, Wendy, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Douchebag went to see him. "Any time now guys..." Douchebag turned around to see Cartman's mom talking to the Doctor, but only heard the words "In 9 months? He's bound to have a big one." Then Cartman started screaing. "THE WATER IS BREAKING IT'S HAPPENING!" What seemed like 50 doctors rushed up to his bed. They all heard a rumbling noise. It was shaking the entire room. "Push!" One of the doctors said. "GODDAMNIT I'M TRYING WHY DON'T YOU TRY GIVING BIRTH SOMETIME!". They all heard a moan of relief. "It- It's a-" the doctor started. Cartman started smiling extremely big "IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT?!" the doctor yelled. Cartman looked like his heart had shattered. The doctor picked it up and showed it to him. It was literally the size of a fat newborn. Mr. Hankey started saying "No no no... no No NO! I HAVE A WIFE AND KIDS!" He ran out the door crying. "I-I guess I'll name her... SAMANTHA!" Cartman said.

And from this day on, Cartman still crams food into that big piece of shit. The End.

_If you liked the story and you DIDN'T think it was stupid, go sub to me on Ifunny. My acc is King_Douchebag__


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